Mountains and Valleys

Yesterday life was picking up. I was being totally into the moment that I could survive with the sticking. That I was so brave not knowing anyone. That I was just okay here. 

Today, its down the roller coaster to the deepest dumps and finding that I’m just a sad sorry bit of shit. Of course I am not affected by what he said. But I know deep down inside its the longing for adventure yet the lazy child inside that is fearful. Just go out there now I tell her. But she tries to find the mental obstacles that could only make control more difficult. 

Sometimes I wonder why. The thoughts that run in my head, they never come to fruit. And I know why, but I hate to believe. 

A hardened heart

Time.

A distance that is the most difficult to bear. But every new distance of time creates an experience that we soon become accustom to.

So for now as long as I see the end my will power will overcome this distance that my body has to run.

But what really no I don’t

Am I being affected any bit at all affected by the scuba episode.

I don’t think so.

It’s just purely the other incident right.
I’m just feeling this way cos of pride right or is it the fact that I can never be as good as I think.

I don’t want to let you know

Fucking hell why I go and pretend to be something I’m clearly not. And then feel hurt when you tell me it sucks.

Well you know it’s only my best effort but I’m just not good enough for anything. Glib smart tongue that can only hold something so hollow.

I suck, I’m so useless, I’m just not good enough and I will never be able to be what I wanted to be. It’s all just an empty shell.

These shell walls are crumbling down.

What if

If only I could take one freaking day and make it not about myself. 

To be totally selfless should be my ultimate goal in life. The only goal that I should so hope to achieve. I do not understand, why my mind always want to only consider what about me?

I have tried to train you for more than a decade and you fail me so utterly miserably. Why does it always have to be about you. You do not take the lead, you are the support. You have your time, they have theirs. Take yourself out of the equation for once. Please just do. Please Please Please I beg of you to free your mind of the word me.

From this moment

I was happy, was. 

I was in a moment I never wanted to leave.

But Change, that thing that is so faithful. And coupled with his accomplice of Time. We go on and on and we always have to look forward. We have to. Never looking bad because it was much better then. Somehow its not a progression downwards nor a negative relationship with my satisfaction and time. It is just that when I look back, I reflect that the current is not as good as what I had in certain moments and that the moment it gone. 

Look forward to creating new ones? Well the world it filled with endless possibilities but I cannot be happy with expectations, I can only anticipate with excitement and fear. There might be a future moment I would feel triumphs all the past but still till I get there I am looking back into my past wondering WHY all these times just past me by.

 

Has it ever changed for the better? Well I hope from this moment it well. I could only hope. I could wish, but I hate expectations.