Category: Uncategorized

Phoenix crash and burn

Is it official yet? Feelings of the past two weeks will come when my summons so.

Like a Phoenix that will burn to be reborn, my emotions will engulf in flames when it needs and leaves me a pile of ashes. Where is the rebirth – I only feel the rude scarring aftershocks in the retuning of normality.

Is there no explaination of why it will/ is so? 

Irreconcilable differences

The fault is not with one but with both – they don’t understand each other well enough?

But what when only one seems to be hurting while the other just go on. Was I too sensitive was I too serious and too unable to read into the situation of whim. 

Sometimes I wish people would follow through with what they said because everything they said was something I was looking forward to.

Be just a phase or a turning point

When you reflect back on things you learn a lot, then it’s a shot in the foot because why didn’t this come to you earlier! 🙄

While having much free time at hand staring at the computer and learning how to task yourself when nobody does, you immerse and drown in the rotting carcass of what went wrong or just life which is seemingly unraveling.

Used to be part of a system, now just barely living cos where do I go from here.

 

Wish feelings didn’t have to be this way, and wish things didn’t have to change. Nobody else seems to have changed, nobody else seems to be worse off than before. Not comparing but because people I used to know I don’t really know them anymore and left to guess. 

Mal de Coucou

You will still feel the pangs of hunger, a hunger that your life should be more than this social circle.

Mal de Viva Coucou 

Isn’t your life supposed to be much more than it is now, but ready yourself you are just at the foot of the hill. / But I could be coming down the hill, down the pinnacle of the anthill of experience.

Thirsty for all things real

It used to be enough, I used to say whenever I felt inadequate that it’s okay I have other things to fill it. 

But recently it seems there’s a hole that no matter when I fill there just never seems to be enough. 

But it is a broken down process because then I don’t know how to say it is not enough, like I got so used to saying no that I forgot how to say yes. 

After today I think I need to find the well, because I must know that things are just cracking and I’m leaking at every step.

From then till now

The last post was of the past, but June came and then we knew it was not what I thought. Leaving more questions to be answered.

And then now after celebrating the anniversary we learn to leave it all. To remember as who he was and not what happened in the end.

I still think you are around as of now

Now every time I sigh, I exhale with sound while a large burst of energy in form of thoughts run through my mind. I think, hey what would he say about that movie i just watched, or that I want to eat some sushi, or maybe those snacks he had in Germany.

We were never in confidants of each other, at least not since the small faith group. But I knew how he talk, some habits he had, the friends he made. I guess he was just distinct. So I’ll always wonder, now that there’s no chance of ever being in conversation in this lifetime. Wondering what response he would give, what he really felt about what kind of friends we were.

For me, I’d tell him, you are one of a kind a funny guy. Typical of some though with the slight ocd and weakness I thought I saw. But very much brave in the little things you did. I would have very much wanted to see how you would have grown, maybe never been close but get to talk to others about you and pretend I really knew you. I would have very much liked to be that friend. Better than the sudden loss of anything growing.

I don’t know if you are really “in a better place”, but I’m sure you have a special place up there for being the faithful you. Because I know I pale in comparison and yet I am sure I would be saved too. But for now the memories seem so fresh in each picture of you that it’s like you never left. Every time they mention you it’s like you are still out there just never in my radius.

Time would make most memories fade, and you might too.

There will always be reminders though, but those might lose significance in time too.

By that time, I hope many would be in your company so it doesn’t matter.

Cheers man. Peace be with you.

Hiatus and musings

Hiatus; a break or interruption in continuation of some work, play etc. But it takes on more of the gap or opening where in the last many months we see that there was no post and thus the hiatus started at the last post and ends with this one. 

As you can see I like to talk in almost riddle, or rather what I perceive to be worth two reads or a tickle of the one who puzzles.

 

Off to the tinkle near the white seat, white door and a much too muscled push of the arm which let the wood clap out something in the silence. Yet the bleakness outside had its own tinkle tonight. A usually quiet outback has a different attitude with these peaceful calming drops that is heard louder than seen.

A youthful rhyme had spoken of a man who could probably have died as he rested for the night and beforehand asking the skies to clear up. And so we grieve. For everyday a person goes who is not supposed to go? I cannot answer that but i know that everyone was a date of expiry, and it is the worst kind of reality? A question there I ask of you because I find that it is one of the best kind of reality. I may not know what may be beyond the cease of breathe in a body but I do know that it allows the relief of all drama that shakes the heart and makes the brain reproach for not anticipating. 

 

But when there comes a day where the loss of another skin would mean the possible burying of something beautiful then we might spend a while to mop and cry out in agony. Or maybe a lifetime delegation of feelings we need to feel and then finally rest. in. peace.