I’m lost – the only real feeling I am able to confirm and not deny at all.
I have reached back into the depths of my consciousness and its in all that I do my motivation is to live to day.
I live now, so that one day I can die. No preparation, no fear, no attachments because I have no real links in this world that I would rather have than to see death and that would be my ultimate adventure. And so I live as i would please, taking care of things that need to be done as denotological as possible. Oooh. Big word. So I don’t care if I am ordinary or boring to an extent. My own thing worth living for is death.
It doesn’t seem to make sense in the rational way but I would never take my life nor try to get killed. Day to day life is not my thing and worldly pleasures seem too much for me to bear. I do not exactly like what you call a pleasure of this world. My heart seems to pump out blood in the anticipation of the day it doesn’t have to. And when it reaches that day – it is truly free.
I may not suffer from cancer nor do I suffer from depression. What I know I do suffer from is the life itself.
This is not sad. Would you call waiting in line for your iPhone sad. No, unless you didn’t get one in the end. This, I am doing, is waiting for something at the end of this life. Patiently and not trying to cut the queue/ line (by cutting my own time short). My time will come – it will be glorious. I will be set free. Enjoy the process, it would make the end much sweeter.
But today, what was it that I felt – different from that night in Tokyo, different from a night walk in New York and different in so many ways from what i anticipated.
Will it be different soon? Will I find.