And now I just sit in silence

I liked it better when my car had sound.

I am half way through and beginning to realise that there is no turning back.

Maybe it wants me to believe this is not okay. But there has to be some truth in it. And I am not sure, just not sure.

He may persuade me to go either way and it’s all extremes. Cos in twisted up in twisted up inside my mind. I’m never who in like, I’m double sided. Du du du du du du. I’m semi automatic.

So back when it all started, now that I look back. Two years ago when suddenly I was in, I was in. I was never in and suddenly I was. Always kinda there and people were interested. I was fulfilling some innate desire that I never that I would get. Especially with this group of people who seemed to be with you no matter what, everyone was interested. Everyone was listening.

It’s grew more and more and more over the sem over the year. Then when I was forced to stay with people I never really knew. I think I already did very well, but growing in me was a fire burning lukewarm as I passed my birthday away from my real friends. Then it hit me again – where do I really want to be. Not really this social butterfly yet again not really in solitude since I have come this far. People will ask and I won’t want to be the one that changed for the worse. No way.

So struggle on I must. Struggling for one year I feel. Thrown in and out the fire wants a stable flame. Either out or burn as brightly as possible fueled/ blown by the same person.

Who am I now.


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