Passé

Is it the sign of times of just the sign of my time? Months into year now grows with tentacles, and is it the cause of contemporary times or the acceleration of the adulthood one has to grow into.

Because of the commonality from millennial to  millennial, within the culture and society. The problems and feelings we face all seem to stem from the same bark, rooted in the same cause. It could only be then the sprouting of the same nonsense.

In a way it could be the wind taking the seeds and blowing from one to the next we seem to all think we have now become the same apple tree and will want to grow those apples but in actual fact we should be chasing the oranges, the watermelons and maybe even the potatoes.

But the world all want apples, and it is a wonderful life to become. If you dare try something else maybe people will just think you are trying to escape from the difficulties that becoming those apples entail.

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Phoenix crash and burn

Is it official yet? Feelings of the past two weeks will come when my summons so.

Like a Phoenix that will burn to be reborn, my emotions will engulf in flames when it needs and leaves me a pile of ashes. Where is the rebirth – I only feel the rude scarring aftershocks in the retuning of normality.

Is there no explaination of why it will/ is so? 

Irreconcilable differences

The fault is not with one but with both – they don’t understand each other well enough?

But what when only one seems to be hurting while the other just go on. Was I too sensitive was I too serious and too unable to read into the situation of whim. 

Sometimes I wish people would follow through with what they said because everything they said was something I was looking forward to.

Be just a phase or a turning point

When you reflect back on things you learn a lot, then it’s a shot in the foot because why didn’t this come to you earlier! 🙄

While having much free time at hand staring at the computer and learning how to task yourself when nobody does, you immerse and drown in the rotting carcass of what went wrong or just life which is seemingly unraveling.

Used to be part of a system, now just barely living cos where do I go from here.

 

Wish feelings didn’t have to be this way, and wish things didn’t have to change. Nobody else seems to have changed, nobody else seems to be worse off than before. Not comparing but because people I used to know I don’t really know them anymore and left to guess. 

Mal de Coucou

You will still feel the pangs of hunger, a hunger that your life should be more than this social circle.

Mal de Viva Coucou 

Isn’t your life supposed to be much more than it is now, but ready yourself you are just at the foot of the hill. / But I could be coming down the hill, down the pinnacle of the anthill of experience.

Thirsty for all things real

It used to be enough, I used to say whenever I felt inadequate that it’s okay I have other things to fill it. 

But recently it seems there’s a hole that no matter when I fill there just never seems to be enough. 

But it is a broken down process because then I don’t know how to say it is not enough, like I got so used to saying no that I forgot how to say yes. 

After today I think I need to find the well, because I must know that things are just cracking and I’m leaking at every step.

From then till now

The last post was of the past, but June came and then we knew it was not what I thought. Leaving more questions to be answered.

And then now after celebrating the anniversary we learn to leave it all. To remember as who he was and not what happened in the end.

I still think you are around as of now

Now every time I sigh, I exhale with sound while a large burst of energy in form of thoughts run through my mind. I think, hey what would he say about that movie i just watched, or that I want to eat some sushi, or maybe those snacks he had in Germany.

We were never in confidants of each other, at least not since the small faith group. But I knew how he talk, some habits he had, the friends he made. I guess he was just distinct. So I’ll always wonder, now that there’s no chance of ever being in conversation in this lifetime. Wondering what response he would give, what he really felt about what kind of friends we were.

For me, I’d tell him, you are one of a kind a funny guy. Typical of some though with the slight ocd and weakness I thought I saw. But very much brave in the little things you did. I would have very much wanted to see how you would have grown, maybe never been close but get to talk to others about you and pretend I really knew you. I would have very much liked to be that friend. Better than the sudden loss of anything growing.

I don’t know if you are really “in a better place”, but I’m sure you have a special place up there for being the faithful you. Because I know I pale in comparison and yet I am sure I would be saved too. But for now the memories seem so fresh in each picture of you that it’s like you never left. Every time they mention you it’s like you are still out there just never in my radius.

Time would make most memories fade, and you might too.

There will always be reminders though, but those might lose significance in time too.

By that time, I hope many would be in your company so it doesn’t matter.

Cheers man. Peace be with you.